The Underrated Quality in the Dating World

Based on a quick glance at magazine covers, it seems like there are certain qualities everyone's looking for in a mate. Nail the perfect combo of good looks, quick wit, and career success and you've got the perfect formula for attracting a partner, right?
Well, it's partly true: Research shows these aspects (physical appearance, humor, and ambition) are certainly attractive to potential romantic partners. But it turns out, a bit of benevolence may be what your dating game’s missing. One large-scale study found that more than 10,000 men and women from around the globe consider kindness—yes, kindness—to be one of the most important qualities in a romantic partner.
Here’s why your reflection, your paycheck, and where you stand in the social pecking order can’t hold a candle to the quality of your character.

Why Kindness Matters Most

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Numerous studies corroborate the appeal of kindness. Even small gestures, such as giving a stranger a flower, lending a close friend an ear, or simply doing someone a favor (like carrying their groceries), can enhance our likeability and increase others’ willingness to commit to us.

And it seems to translate to physical attraction. Research shows that genuine trustworthiness, authenticity, and reliability may even boost our sex appeal. Being a kind and honest person can cause people to perceive your face and body type as more attractive.
By being authentically kind, we can also positively influence others’ moods, foster warm feelings of connectedness with friends and family members, and soothe folks when they’re stressed. And really, who doesn’t want those qualities in a date!?
 Evolutionary psychologists believe that kindness survived natural selection because it allowed for stronger parent-child bonds and enabled partners and tribe members to stick together—all crucial abilities in our ongoing fight for existence and proliferation.
Finally, being nice won't only benefit your love life: Recent studies suggest that people who do nice things for others on a regular basis are happier, healthier, and may even have longer lifespans.⁶ Cue: letting go of every excuse you’ve ever given yourself to be a jerk.

Sign Me Up!

  Not sure whether your niceness factor is up to snuff? It’s not always a function of what we do for others; it’s equally about how we think and what we say.

1. Adjust your mindset.

Have empathy and compassion for where someone else might be coming from, instead of reacting to what they’re saying or doing solely based on how it affects us. Meaning: Consider that she may not actually be blowing you off if she says she has plans with her work buddies and can’t grab a drink. Or keep in mind he may really like you, but needs time before he feels comfortable meeting your parents.
“Being kind can mean giving people the benefit of the doubt instead of jumping to the conclusion they’re a bad person or harbor malicious intent,” If she’s being a bit standoffish on the first date, try easing back a bit and approaching her more warmly rather than writing her off as frigid. Or refrain from assuming he’s no longer into you just because he sounded distant on the phone. (Though it never hurts to ask someone what’s going on in that moment—or, if they’re too emotional, once they’ve cooled down.)

2. Put it into words.

Expressing gratitude (“I’m really thankful we met,” “I so appreciate you meeting me for dinner tonight”), verbalizing what you admire and respect about a date or friend (“I love the way your mind works,” “You have a wonderful sense of style,” “You give incredible hugs”) or offering a mate encouragement (“You’re getting so good at learning how to make me feel amazing in bed”) are spoken versions of kindness, Cole points out.
Find something you truly consider positive about another person—without, of course, falsely praising their every characteristic. And while it may be easier to focus on the superficial (“I love how sexy you look in that outfit”), pointing out a person’s beneath-the-surface perks makes a much more significant impact.
Post-date, it never hurts to text them to make sure they arrive home safely to show that you care about their safety. And don’t hesitate to break that ridiculous 24-hour-no-texting rule with a simple “Hey, thanks for a really nice time tonight.”

Finally—and this also comes in handy during those slightly awkward, quiet moments of a dinner date: Ask questions—about their job, their weekend plans, their new nephew. Flexing your niceness muscle also means demonstrating a genuine curiosity about the other person's life, Cole says.